Vonnegut's Asshole

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Hello, Internet friends.

I'm on a blog sabbatical for the foreseeable future. I'll be sending sporadic updates to the mailing list, and you'll be the first to know if (and when) the Asshole returns.

In the meantime, please enjoy these selections from the Best of Vonnegut's Asshole (acknowledging that "best" is an entirely subjective and arbitrary term and in no way scientific.) If you don't find anything here to tickle your fancy, why not try the archives (just a little lower down on the page)? And if that proves unsatisfying, then maybe you should just get the hell out of my house and stop badgering me for free comedy!

Jesus, you people are fucking piranhas.

March of 2009 (in which I recount my adventures in New York with an old man doll), February of 2009 (in which I learn that Bigfoot, at least when it comes to gangbang etiquette, is exceedingly polite), January of 2009 (in which I insist that it's really nobody's business whether the Dame's cervical mucus is clear and slippery), November of 2008 (in which I read my grandfather's old love letters and learn that he was a dirty, dirty boy), October of 2008 (in which I discuss food, Burger Chef and moonshine), Summer of 2008 (in which I barely write anything at all, much to the consternation of very few), April of 2008 (in which I confess my creepy attraction to ventriloquism), March of 2008 (in which I say a little too much about the genital grooming of Disney princesses),February of 2008 (in which I fabricate my family history), January of 2008 (in which I learn that baby nudity is okay in moderation), November of 2007 (in which I explain why it's difficult to fit more than a few dozen dead dogs in a '74 Honda Civic), October of 2007 (in which I opt against digging up my grandfather's ashes), September of 2007 (in which I discover that I don't have a rickshaw business), August of 2007 (in which I learn to love, and then hate, and then love, and then hate commas), July of 2007 (in which I try to make it perfectly clear why you should never ask a girlfriend to dress like a slutty Lisa Simpson), June of 2007 (in which I discuss how Gene Simmons led to my introduction to female anatomy), May of 2007 (in which I explain why my life might be more fullfilled than yours because I've driven a car into a swamp), April of 2007 (in which I somehow convince a lot of authors to draw pictures of their own assholes), March of 2007 (in which I learn why eating an entire box of Boo-Berry cereal and then streaking may not be the best idea), February of 2007 (in which I talk about, in no particular order, Ron Jeremy, waterbeds, and Hitler's mustache), January of 2007 (in which I rant angrily about dolphin gang rape), the entirety of 2006 (in which I learn how to have fun at my father's funeral, talk about pirates with Will Oldham, and compare wine to hobo balls),