I wish I could say that I found your advice irreverent and silly. But sadly, it just reminded me that many of my guy friends - including myself - are idiots. Most of them are divorced or in relationships that they're purposively (if unknowingly) sabotaging. They just can't seem to hold onto a woman for more than a few months. Why do you think that is? Did our problems start in kindergarten, or do all men lose any semblance of common sense by the time they reach adulthood?
I couldn't agree more. Men, as he so succinctly put it, are "idiots." But where did we go wrong? I suppose we could blame our parents (specifically our fathers) for screwing us up. Or maybe there's just something hardwired into our DNA that makes us incapable of acting like civilized human beings. But I've got another theory, one that I arrived at after several weeks of pondering the matter and discussing it with my male friends. There is a culpable party who is almost solely responsible for causing the vast majority of men to grow up into frat boys.
And his name is Han Solo.
USE THE FORCE... AND KEEP ON READIN'
It makes sense if you think about it. Any guy who came of age in the last thirty years was influenced by Star Wars and its two sequels. (For obvious
reasons, I'm not even going to mention the god awful prequels). It was more than just another sci-fi classic with terrible acting and a premise cribbed from Joseph Campbell. It was a blueprint for life. We used the movie as our personal atlas, letting it direct our behavior in all things, especially love. But we didn't take our dating cues from the sugary-sweet Luke Skywalker or the wheezy Darth Vader. When we wanted to know how to win the heart of a woman, we followed the examples of Han Solo.Who could doubt the dating wisdom of Solo? He was the archetype of the successful stud, the Hugh Hefner of intergalactic relationships, the unrivaled leader of all things d'amour. After all, he was the only suitor who managed to win the affections of Princess Leia, the leading lady of all young boys' fantasies. And it didn't hurt that almost every girl in the real world was madly in love with Solo. We noticed which action figures they stole from us, and we saw the way they gazed dreamily at him while watching Star Wars for the umpteenth time. It didn't take a huge leap of logic to figure out that if we could just be like Solo, we could have any woman we wanted eating out of our hands.
Or so we thought. The sad fact is, Han Solo was a false god. We studied his every move, thinking that he was giving us all the secrets of what women really wanted from men. But in actuality, he was feeding us a pack of lies that would haunt us for the rest of our lives. Here are just a few of the myths that Harrison Ford and his fictional counterpart passed on to generations of men. Et tu, Han Solo? Et tu?
HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
He wore the same old smelly outfit in all three movies.
INSIGHT GAINED:
Real men don't have good hygiene.
HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
His best friend was Chewbacca - a big, hairy Wookiee.
INSIGHT GAINED:
You should always hang out with guys who are less attractive than you, dumber than
you, and if possible, mute.HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
He continued to make romantic advances on Princess Leia, despite her repeated refusals and insistence that she didn't like him.
INSIGHT GAINED:
"No" means "yes."
HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
Leia paid off his financial debts to Jabba the Hut.
INSIGHT GAINED:
Women are attracted to guys with bad credit.
HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
After saving Leia from the Death Star, he refused to stay with her and join the Rebel Alliance.
INSIGHT GAINED:
Men never commit to a relationship.
HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
His spaceship, the Millennium Falcon, was an unreliable piece of crap that hardly ever made it to light speed.
INSIGHT GAINED:
A man's "spaceship" is not expected to take a woman to "light speed," if you catch my drift.
HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
He was a consummate smart-ass, constantly mocking Luke, the Rebels, and the Force.
INSIGHT GAINED:
Guys are expected to make fun of a woman's friends, career choices, and spiritual beliefs.
HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
Leia finally admitted that she loved him after he was captured by the Empire.
INSIGHT GAINED:
Women can't help but fall for guys who get into trouble with the law.
HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
Leia risked her life to save him from Jabba's lair.
INSIGHT GAINED:
No matter how badly men screw up their lives, women will always be there to bail them out.
HAN SOLO EXAMPLE:
In the end, she picked him over Luke - the clean-cut, responsible man.
INSIGHT GAINED:
Nice guys finish last.
6 comments:
I would debate that Chewbacca is less attractive than Han Solo, but there IS a lot to be learned here...
I've had bass players over the years that prove all that to be true....
Brilliant.
True and really, really brilliant.
Your blog provided an epiphany for me, Eric. Now I know why men are such dorks. I hope you won't mind, I stole a few lines and linked them to this post. :)
Whenever I meet a man with the charm and good looks of Han Solo, and who actually likes women, they’re usually gay.
Well done, Chewie.
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