I'm in northern Michigan for the week, partaking in the promised Spitznagel family reunion. As much as I'd like to be spending the 4th of July holiday sitting in front of my computer and churning out more funny-make-'em-ups for you, I owe my family at least a little uninterrupted face time.
But don't despair. I'll be back next week with more personally embarrassing anecdotes from my life past and present. Until then, here's something to tide you over.
60ish LITERARY EUPHEMISMS FOR MASTURBATION
1. Blurbing yourself
2. Burying the lede
3. Challenging Alexander Pushkin to a one-handed duel
4. Coaxing Salinger to come out and play
5. Coming up with a gripping plot twist
KEEP ON READIN'. OR, BARRING THAT, JUST HOLD ME.
6. Conjugating the verb
7. Cooking up a big oily batch of Victory Gin
8. Dangling your participles
9. Deconstructing The Fountainhead
10. Dipping your madeleine into Proust's tea
11. Finishing the first draft by hand
12. Freelancing for the glossies
13. Getting just a little too into pictures of Dorian Gray
14. Giving it a first pass
15. Giving the protagonist some internal conflict
16. Giving your narrative a Faustian theme
17. Having a strong opinion in your writing workshop about the power of symbolism
18. A Heartbreaking Wank of Staggering Spunkage
19. Hiding Rushdie from the Muslim assassins20. Hunting for treasure in Injun Joe's cave
21. Interrogating JT LeRoy and his five accomplices
22. Jack Kerou-whacking
23. Joining the Beat Generation
24. Launching a ship to the holy city of Byzantium
25. Listening to Portnoy complain
26. Looking for clues with Tintin and Snowy
27. Mangling the English translation
28. Mixing your metaphors
29. Much A-Goo About Nothing
30. Oliver's Twist
31. Palahniukin'
32. Paying extra for the hardcover
33. Paying the bills with a hack novelization
34. Paying yourself in contributor copies
35. Picking the pull-quotes
36. Pinning Garp with a Half Nelson
37. Polishing Nick Hornby's head
38. Pottering your Chamber of Secrets
39. Print-on-demand
40. Proofreading the galleys
41. Putting out Polyphemus' one good eye
42. Putting the "wad" back into "Henry Wadsworth Longfellow"
43. Querying the editor
44. Rattling your stick inside a swill bucket
45. Reading poetry aloud
46. Recouping losses incurred by the Publishers Group West bankruptcy
47. Saying yes, yes, oh god yeeeeees to Ulysses
48. Shooting at Joan Burroughs with your flesh musket49. Shooting your own author's photo
50. Signing the first edition
51. Skimming the Cliff Notes
52. Slapstick (or: “Lonesome No More”)
53. Spanking the Monkey (sometimes known as "Spanking Arthur Waley's translation of Journey to the West ")
54. Splitting infinitives
55. Stocking the remainder table
56. Tap-tap-tapping at your chamber door (only this and nothing more)
57. The other lonely impulse of delight
58. Touring Rosings with Mr. Collins
59. Transforming Gregor Samsa into a monstrous vermin
60. Using the passive voice
61. Varnishing your Booker Prize
12 comments:
I am sooo hot for you right now. Is that wrong?
That depends entirely on whether you know where I live.
Reading poetry aloud
Awesome!
That's awesome!
Have a great week in Michigan.
This reminds me of what Jacqueline Susanne said about Philip Roth being a fine writer but not wanting to shake his hand.
Have a great family reunion! (yeah, yaeh, I know... as far as greatness of family reunions goes ;-))
I love this Kafkian reference! :o)
The Northern Penninsula? Does this mean that you a Yooper?
Oh I wish. If I was a Yooper, I could take part in the upcoming Sasquatch expedition. But alas, I'm from the glove. The dull, Bigfoot-less glove.
This is fantastic. And, sadly, I think the testcile on the right best represents me.
May I add "Self Publishing" to the list?
You may. And it shames me that I didn't think of it first.
"Vanity press" would also be acceptable, if only because it includes the word "press".
I'm dying to know if the mystery pooper made a cameo.
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